I thought I was the only one…
Have you ever felt like the only one paying attention? Or the only one who can’t get their act together? Or maybe the only one who has the most disturbing intrusive thought you can think of? Unfortunately (or fortunately?), you’re not. We spend so much of our lives trying to hide parts of ourselves and exaggerate other parts of ourselves to feel safe and loved in the world. Most of us pick and choose what to show to who and often end up feeling very alone because of hiding parts of ourselves we fear being seen. However, the human condition is messy and incredibly creative, yet also, predictable. We all need to protect and to connect and may go jump through all sorts of hoops, consciously and/or unconsciously, to make that happen. Our social location (race, class, gender, ability, etc), might influence which parts of us to most show or most hide. Our family dynamic and birth order might do that too. The reality is, though, we all have parts.
Over the past two decades, I have heard countless stories of folks who feel like something is wrong with them. Some people worry they talk too much; others worry they don’t talk enough. Some worry they’ll never find a partner. Others worry they’ll never actually be happy. It’s easy to sprial in panic and shame after one awkward interaction or even after one glance at an old classmate’s perfect looking instagram post. From there, we might tirelessly read reddit to assess how normal we are or we might reach out to a friend. Or we might do anything we can to distract and numb our fear and pain.
Here’s an example of how you can try to respond next time you’re in that panic.
Step 1: Notice it
In your body: a closing in feeling and an urge to bounce my leg at the same time
In your thoughts: “what am I doing with my life!???”
In your feelings: Overwhelm, scared, inadequate
Step 2: Name it
Mr. Spiral
Step 3: Breathe and ground
Lengthen your exhale
Look at something beautiful in your surroundings
Listen to something calming
Step 4: Bring curiosity in from a more grounded place
Ask Mr. Panic- “Hey friend, I notice you knocked on my door. How can I help you today?”
Step 5: Listen. Ask any parts that don’t want you to listen if they can wait in another room. And if they can’t, listen to them first.
Step 6: Validate and Befriend
“Damn, yeah no wonder why you are trying to get my attention. You’re really concerned for _____ (your name)’s safety, aren’t you?”
“Thanks for trying so hard to protect _____.”
“Would you like to come in for tea?”
Step 7: Compassion. Care. Confidence. Presence.
Hang out with them
Be the attuned, loving parent, a wise tree like figure for them, and invite them to lean on you on their own timeline
If they scream or cry or try to take over, say hey sweetie, I see you’re hurting and I can’t listen when you’re screaming, so I’ll be here while you scream and will listen when you soften and I really want to be able to hear what you have to say
Step 8: Invite a new way
Ask them if they like their job and if they’d like to do something else if they could
Invite new possibilities in- maybe they want to be a dancer, shaking it out, or maybe a community organizer, organizing folks to stand up against systems that make them feel alone? Or maybe they really want to rest and just never felt like they could until now?
It’s easy to feel alone. It’s hard to actually be a friend to yourself. While reaching out to friends and family when going through a hard time can often be instrumental for us, sometimes folks can respond in ways that make us feel worse. These steps, inspired by internal family systems, can help guide one how to be a friend to yourself in a way that perhaps you were never taught how. And then, maybe you can share the wisdom of compassionate listening with others. Slowly, perhaps, we can all start to feel a little less alone.
